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Top tips for surviving modern life

Posted: Saturday, 1 November 2014 @ 16:27

A collection of Viz style Top Tips - found on a variety of sources, including Sickopedia.com...If you have any more you think are worthy, contact us.

  • DO NOT waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
  • WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
  • MURDERERS need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
  • BURGLARS when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
  • MEN when listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
  • BLIND PEOPLE give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
  • RAPPERS avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
  • ALCOHOL makes a perfect substitute for happiness.
  • PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
  • CAR thieves do not be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
  • MOTORISTS avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
  • SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
  • BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.
  • ALCOHOLICS do not worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
  • SCI-FI FANS create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
  • DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  • THICKEN runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
  • DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check the light goes off when the door is closed.
  • BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS WIVES keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
  • OLD TELEPHONE DIRECTORIES make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you do not know.
  • MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
  • BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make perfect miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.
  • SHOPPERS when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
  • MANCHESTER UNITED FANS save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.
  • WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  • QUIT SMOKING by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
  • BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
  • HOUSEWIVES when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  • MAKE BATH TIMES as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
  • RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  • GIRLS too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
  • MINOR SKIN GRAFTS can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
  • SAVE MONEY on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. IE. Mr. KVL 741Y.
  • HIJACKERS avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
  • EMPTY CIGAR TUBES filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  • OLYMPIC ATHLETES disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
  • KALE FANS save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the toilet.
  • AVOID ARGUMENTS with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
  • SMOKERS save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

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